One especially grievous disservice of the counseling profession is an under appreciation of gendered responses to grief and internal conflict resolution. Males and females have particular coping mechanisms to trauma that are diametrically opposed and mutually exclusive. The helping professions have systematically accomplished a woman centered institution of psychological rehabilitation without even humoring the possibility that men need different help to overcome trauma.
Women heal psychologically by becoming vulnerable for a period of time in the presence of empathic friends, therapists, and lovers. This period of time is typically nonnegotiable and cannot be fought, reasoned with, or dismissed. Women need empathy during grieving in the same way they need food, water, and shelter from the elements. The problem with this inevitable phase of female grief is its complete dominance over male grief. While females grieve, demands on others are intensified, as they are expected to not only understand what the woman feels, but actively share her emotions. As a paid mental health professional, this task results in compensation. As a partner, friend, or acquaintance, this task acts as one more stressor. The root of this coping mechanism is the community of women and the institution of marriage which was its historical replacement. Women as a sex can depend on the presence of empathic others when they are in pain. Men, on the other hand, heal very differently.
Men heal psychologically by becoming strong in the absence of anyone else. The worse the trauma, the further the man must retreat until he is ready to reengage with the society that wronged him; not as a version of his former self, but as a new man with a revised purpose. Healthy forms of this disconnection include virtual, physical, and/or social escape, in the form of video games, pornography, bro culture, and other environments promising an opportunity to not only contact reinforcement missing from normal interactions, but to plan, strategize, and vent frustration without social ostracism. Unhealthy forms of disconnection include mental disconnection, or using mind altering substances or habits to disengage from the pain of trauma, and social disconnection, or the complete rejection of social standards of conduct which results in criminal activity, though such activity may in fact yield short term healing.
The problem with the male need for disconnection following trauma is its incompatibility with the female cycle of grief. While the female will pull closer, the male will pull away resulting in an inevitable strain within relationships, especially when the trauma is shared. Women often do not know how to help and may actually aggravate the trauma. Reminding a man he is an honest, hard working, strong person does not help at all when it is precisely those traits which earned him damage. What the man needs is an opportunity to transcend those socially prescribed traits for a time to be something else: another sort of man with no need of honesty, hard work, or strength. Those traits are in fact personal gifts to society. They are not traits a man NEEDS to cultivate and are often as not traits a man does not WANT to cultivate anymore following trauma. This will necessitate a degree of separation until a man is not only able, but WILLING to reconnect with his woman and his society on an improved basis.
When this process resolves healthily, the rebuilt man possesses all his former positive traits and a few additional ones as well. An example might be a Marine, who kills overseas for many years and returns to peacetime society to disconnect for a time before reestablishing contact and sublimating the trauma of his experience into charity, wisdom, and the promotion of peace in others, all of which build upon his former positive traits. Negative examples include the countless veterans who are unwilling or unable to reintegrate positively with society and become addicts, criminals, and parasites as a result of their disconnection. The author encourages the reader to meditate upon the ways they might support men and women in their lives while remaining sensitive to the particular needs of the injured.
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