A New Challenge for a Tired Body

Much has changed in the intervening years, yet much stays the same.  I am now able to confidently say I have met many life goals, yet my focus has needed to shift to accommodate.  Things that used to be quite important are now lesser priorities or are on track without need for my intervention.  

I have been challenged to partake in a 100 opponent kumite in my martial arts school for a 3rd degree black test.  This is NOT the original Mas Oyama kumite which consisted of 100 rounds of 2 minutes each and a requirement that a certain proportion be victories.  Rather, this will be a gauntlet of 1 minute rounds with fresh opponents, the purpose of which is to test my heart, not my ribcage.  When asked if I felt able to participate, I said "maybe, let me find my physical limits and get back to you."  

My current goal is to complete 200 minutes of combinations nonstop (the combo will be a front, cross, rising kick).  I can currently complete 60 minutes once per month without cardiovascular symptoms.  I will add 10 minutes per month until I am able to nearly complete 200, and by that point will be nearly at the point next year of accepting the challenge.  It will verify that I am physically able to complete the challenge (1 hour and 40 minutes of being beat down and giving back my worst).  The only barrier past that point will be will power to endure the beating that awaits me.  The 20 opponent gauntlet for my 2nd degree black test was a brutal test.  I hadn't cried after a beatdown since I was 6 years old and that test did the trick, reducing me from grown man to little boy over 12 hours.  Despite that, I can say I earned my second degree and have diligently kept returning for more.

My current workout routine is 120 deep stretch extended range of motion pushups per week, 10 minutes of repetitive high kicking to build range of motion, balance, and hip muscle development, as many repetitions of kettlebell lifts as prescribed by rolling dice and adding a zero to the results (a range from 20 - 120 lifts per week to be completed as quickly as possible), running around a park with my loved ones as many repetitions as they require.  One of the problems with this training is the high volume of anterior chain movements.  The kettlebell lifts will help balance my muscular development, but I will also require a pulling movement.  I will be adding bent over rows, since I can no longer perform a full pullup, and a 30 second neck bridge to my isometric routine after exercise.  I also incorporate bear crawls as a finisher that integrates all muscle groups.  At times, I add 100 stance switches (jumping and switching left vs. right forward positions), 100 hook strikes per arm, 100 in to out hammerfist strikes per arm, and 200 horizontal straight punches.  Accordingly, my body composition has improved dramatically and I am currently avoiding any joint pain or cardiovascular symptoms.

My hope is to be physically ready for the challenge ahead by next summer.

Establishing a Movement for Our Guys

In the current cultural zeitgeist it is nearly impossible to foment an effective opposition.  Movement figureheads are denied a platform, imprisoned, and professionally destroyed.  Their speech is censored.  Their business associates, family, and even fellow movement members are turned against them through provocation and lies.  We are the enemy of the government which controls violence and currency, the media which controls the popular narrative, the academy which controls scientific precision, scope, and depth, and corporations which control industry and one's ability to survive.  We remain their enemy, even those cowards among us who proclaim loyalty and submission to the system's rule.  In other words, the system has us well and truly beaten before we even consider resisting.  They know it and we know it.  That's why organizing an effective offense has been nearly impossible up to this point.  Even symbolic gestures have been outlawed or made de facto illegal by the legal establishment to prevent even a shared recognition of purpose or feeling of pride from developing.  Proud people are motivated people.  The best way to undermine a political movement is by denying that movement pride, which denies them the necessary will to act against immediate interests in the favor of their objectives.  Why else would the system incentivize pride in every other group to the exclusion of everything, even financial gain?  There is no money in gay pride, black pride, feminist pride, immigrant pride, or any other sort of pride.  Yet it is relentlessly promoted, even against the wishes of paying customers.  That's because pride costs something and awards everything.  Our enemies understand this, which is why they are willing to go all in to advance pride above all else.  Ultimately, little else is required once they have achieved a proud constituency.  Pride is the precondition of victory.  That is why WE can never be allowed to express or even quietly believe that we are a proud people with a birthright.

The shortcoming of all previous iterations of our movement was the implicit or explicit assumption that we must change or improve our people to defeat the system that dispossesses us.  That is a fatal flaw that contradicts our own premises.  We cannot change certain immutable characteristics.  Before I list our many virtues, it is important to outline our many inherent flaws.  Our "fragility."

Firstly, we mature slower than our competitors.  This can be clearly observed in any integrated environment where members of different peoples are placed into close proximity.  The 12 year old boys of our people compete against 12 year old men of other peoples.  We are physically slow to develop strength, sexuality, and aggression.  This is no fault of our people, but of a system that is trying to house boys and men in the same institutions at formative ages.  (This was one reason among many that integrated schooling was until very recently considered unthinkable by the average citizen).  In an integrated society, the best our boys can currently do is to lay low and survive the depredations of fully developed predators.  Exacerbating this problem is the presence of our girls (also recently integrated), who seek guidance and protection from stronger males.  Since most of the strongest males in youth at this time are of other tribes, our girls quickly affiliate with the stronger tribe, much to the anguish of our boys.  The current ubiquity of cuckoldry in the popular culture had its seeds sewn in a whole generation of our boys desiring our girls, but understanding implicitly that sexual access was being granted to 12 year old men of other tribes, who mature quicker.  The smartest of our girls knew that this kind of transactional sexual affiliation was for safety, not long term commitment, leading many of our men to begrudgingly assume the role of husband and father after attaining maturity too late to stop the depredations our institutions were supposed to prevent.  It is a form of child abuse and demoralization against our boys and girls that will be corrected when our people regain control of our institutions, and no sooner.  We cannot grow our boys and girls into men and women any faster than their bodies will allow.  We must create institutions to shelter and nurture these growing people, not feed them to our competitors before they are developed enough to defend themselves and assert their rights.

Diet: Oil and Sugar free stir fry sauce and stir fry

Since diet is the most important element of personal protection against the top killers in modern society, it is wise to learn ways of preparing foods free from disease promoting ingredients.  Today’s post features a stir fry sauce and mix composed entirely of plant and mushroom ingredients.

To replicate a teriyaki sauce, flavor balance between sweet, sour, salty, and savory flavors is crucial to enjoying the flavor of the dish.  Amounts of each ingredient should be tailored for individual preference.

Coat the bottom of a wok or skillet with a thin layer of water.  Crush a handful of almonds and a handful of peanuts into fine minced pieces and add them to the water to extract their oil.  Add 2 shakes of sesame seeds.  Add 3 crushed cloves of garlic finely minced.  Add 3 tablespoons of crushed and minced ginger.  Add 2 full shakes of 5 spice mix.  Add 5 twists of ground black pepper.  Add 2 shakes of cayenne powder or preferred dried pepperfruit to taste (Fresh pepper finely minced can also be used).  Add 3 tablespoons of soy sauce.  Add half an orange squeezed, and keep the pulp in the sauce, finely minced.  Add 2 squeezes of lemon juice, leave pulp out.  Add 2 heaping fork fulls of fermented cabbage (sauerkraut or kimchi).

To the sauce, add the following savory ingredients to form the “meat” of the dish: 3 sliced medium button mushrooms, 2 small shiitake mushrooms sliced,  and 1/4 package of extra firm tofu cut into small cubes (or half a cup of dehulled edamame beans) with sliced carrots and half a can of peas.  Then top with half a medium red onion finely sliced.  Fill up the remainder of the dish with green cabbage, broccoli, brussels sprouts, and/or bok choy.  Cruciferous vegetables are the “filler” for the dish and should be added until the remainder of the pan is filled.  Top with 1 handful of walnuts.

Begin frying on medium high heat.  Prepare one cup of instant brown rice in the microwave while the wok/skillet cooks the ingredients.  When the rice is done, cover to retain the moisture.  Do not stir the skillet until all water in the pan has cooked off and sizzling is heard to thoroughly sear the tofu and mushrooms.  Mix the ingredients using a nonscratching spatula.  Allow to cook until sizzling is heard again then mix.  There should be minor charring on the pan bottom.  Scrape it off and mix into the ingredients.  When all water is evaporated from the dish and charring occurs easily, add the rice on top.  Into the rice, squeeze the other half of the orange and season the rice with soy sauce to taste.  Mix all ingredients together and cook until sizzling is heard.  Mix again, turn off the burner and allow the bottom of the rice to char as the pan cools.  When cooled, mix the ingredients thoroughly and serve.

Cooking this recipe is an easy, quick, and appetizing way to avoid meat, eggs, cheese, sugar, processed grains, and oil while maintaining many of the same flavors of a more conventional stir fry.  Since all ingredients contain fiber, it is also good for blood sugar management.  The absence of excess oil, sugar, and protein makes it a harmless dish that can be easily digested and enjoyed without fear of aggravating health conditions.  To make this recipe low sodium, simply replace the soy sauce with low sodium blend and leave out the fermented vegetables.

A Loss and a Second Attempt

 Our first transfer in October proved unsuccessful.  The embryo did not implant and did not grow.  We have two left.  My wife is pursuing psychological help to mitigate stress during the procedures and will adjust her diet.  All is out of our hands, but we are blessed to have the opportunity.  My health has improved.  I now eat protein (beans or tofu) in the mornings as well as the evenings to decrease fatigue.  I do not increase the overall dosage, but merely distribute the same amount of protein across the day.  It has helped tremendously.  My focus has returned to my own preparations.  Future projects for me include training with the bo staff and walking stick for self defense and developing proficiency and lethality with single action percussion revolvers.

A Success and Walking a Tightrope

 Since last writing, I have discontinued all protein supplementation.  I now eat a plant heavy omnivorous diet with beans (and occasional cheese or whole milk) for protein during weekdays and meat on Friday through Sunday.  The reduction in my protein has caused a dose dependent reduction in libido and energy, which I fight through 2 long hikes per week and strength training 3 days per week.  I’ve reintegrated dips and static pullup holds to rebuild muscle lost in my lats and chest.  So far I have gained some mass back, though it does cause mild breathing difficulties at times if I overtrain.  This is likely the best I can do for myself, since myotonic dystrophy is progressive, and muscle building might eventually be replaced by recurring injuries and weakness.  My hope is to delay this decline and possibly prevent its worst impacts on my mobility as I age.

My semen retention and suffering through protein supplementation has been successful for my family.  I provided a sample which fertilized 7 of my wife’s eggs.  Of those 7 healthy blastocysts, 4 carry my disease and 3 are healthy and unaffected.  We intend to transfer 1 this year and the 2 others subsequently.  If we are unsuccessful with the 3 healthy embryos, it will be my wife’s choice whether to go through another egg retrieval, implant one of our affected embryos, or resign hope for children.  The entire process has cost in excess of $50,000, but I am satisfied that our family line will continue, hopefully perpetually unaffected by the burden of this disease.  This week my wife will have our first transfer.  To medically support this process, my wife is undergoing an injection of progesterone every morning, estrogen twice per week, and a cocktail of pills every morning and evening.  She has been heroic for us in helping me battle this disease and honor my promise to start a family.  She has suffered a humiliating and uncomfortable ritual of these treatments through an egg retrieval, mock cycle, and now a transfer.  For a woman who is afraid of needles, she has overcome much for us.

This blog will start to resume its original function as a place of reflection on martial preparations and physical/dietary practices that enhance one’s life.  I am nearing peace with my condition and the life course I will need to lead.  And protection will be crucial for my hard won family.

The Final Stretch

At week 12, symptoms have stabilized at what might be called predictably bad.  Day by day breathing problems, exhaustion, and weakness are at 6 out of 10 at worst, and between 2-3 at best.  Thoughts of taking the coward’s way out have slowly subsided while my libido has reached a plateau.

My plan to repeat a semen analysis has proven ill advised since my wife coincidentally ovulates on the exact day I would be due to produce a sample.  The analysis has thus been delayed an additional week.  Now I am forced to wait on the protein diet an additional 2 weeks plus however long it takes for results to be made available.  

I have been living a monastic existence to increase my sperm count for my wife and the analysis.  A good diet, no alcohol, no caffeine, and no masturbation has been the routine.  I am also unable to “edge,” since I have found this practice to reduce my libido as well as testicle size, indicating a loss of sperm within the body cavity.  Consequently, I find myself irritable but determined.  

Weeks will tell whether my fertility has been impacted at all by diet and exercise.

Update: a third semen analysis revealed a 20x increase in sperm volume.  I increased from thousands (~70,000) to millions (~4 million) of sperm per sample.  Though this has not allowed me to regain fertility, which is likely lost for life, I did produce more and made an honorable effort for family.

Worried Now, But I Won't Be Worried Long

 From 6 to 9 weeks through the protein increase, I have had to reduce dosage.  Symptoms progressed to the point of suffocating after lying down for 4-5 hours every night, falling in and out of consciousness, and getting up unrested to go to work.  It was as arduous as sleep deprivation and waterboarding for hours straight followed by forced labor under exhaustion.  It was the worst pain of my life and it occurred to me more than once that death would be an improvement.  Given this extremity, I first reduced daily protein dosage from 88 grams to 66 grams daily on January 3rd, and then to 44 grams daily on January 13th after suffering continued breathing problems for 10 days.  Each reduction in protein corresponded with a feeling of mortal failure.

Now, symptoms have stabilized at an uncomfortable but tolerable middle ground.  They neither worsen nor improve.  Occasionally, I will experience moments of clarity when I feel reasonably comfortable which subside to a default condition of general malaise.  Sex drive has increased and I am creating reliably larger ejaculate volumes day by day.  This seems to indicate a degree of success in reversing my infertility, so I am bound to continue.  However, sexuality has lost all of its spontaneity and its pleasure is little comfort.  On the 13th, I nearly wrote a letter to my family expressing my last wishes in case I did not wake up from sleep.  This was a low enough point that I resolved to reduce the protein volume to 44 grams (half of the initial dose).  This helped enough that I felt deja vu with my old physical state that initially prompted me to start my whole foods plant based diet years ago.  I feel bad enough to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that damage is being done to my body, but I am comfortable enough at times to manage continuing.  Except this time, I am purposefully sticking to the diet that I know is causing the symptoms.  

This has prompted a variety of worries.  I worry for my health, my posterity, and my marriage.  I have also worried for my very life, although less so in the past few 3 days.  However, all worry is a temporary state, and in 3 weeks, I will have completed 12 weeks of the worst symptoms possible  (Keep in mind that I wanted to quit at week 6, again at week 7, and again at week 8).  I will then test my semen again for a definitive answer whether I can reverse my infertility and start my family.  I am confident I will prevail, given steadily recovering sexual function.  In order to safely maintain protein levels, I will be consuming the maximum tolerable dose per day, reducing if needed just to make it 3 more weeks.  Once I have 2 tests completed, one conducted under a low protein diet, and the other conducted after 12 weeks of high protein intake, I will have calculated my potential range of fertility and will be able to decide how to best moderate intake moving forward.  I have entertained the idea of giving one single good quality sample for in vitro and then immediately returning to a low protein diet and a much happier state of infertility.  However, this strikes me as vaguely dishonorable, and I may continue for some time after the 12 week experiment, if only to feel like a normal man for a brief time.