A Loss and a Second Attempt

 Our first transfer in October proved unsuccessful.  The embryo did not implant and did not grow.  We have two left.  My wife is pursuing psychological help to mitigate stress during the procedures and will adjust her diet.  All is out of our hands, but we are blessed to have the opportunity.  My health has improved.  I now eat protein (beans or tofu) in the mornings as well as the evenings to decrease fatigue.  I do not increase the overall dosage, but merely distribute the same amount of protein across the day.  It has helped tremendously.  My focus has returned to my own preparations.  Future projects for me include training with the bo staff and walking stick for self defense and developing proficiency and lethality with single action percussion revolvers.

A Success and Walking a Tightrope

 Since last writing, I have discontinued all protein supplementation.  I now eat a plant heavy omnivorous diet with beans (and occasional cheese or whole milk) for protein during weekdays and meat on Friday through Sunday.  The reduction in my protein has caused a dose dependent reduction in libido and energy, which I fight through 2 long hikes per week and strength training 3 days per week.  I’ve reintegrated dips and static pullup holds to rebuild muscle lost in my lats and chest.  So far I have gained some mass back, though it does cause mild breathing difficulties at times if I overtrain.  This is likely the best I can do for myself, since myotonic dystrophy is progressive, and muscle building might eventually be replaced by recurring injuries and weakness.  My hope is to delay this decline and possibly prevent its worst impacts on my mobility as I age.

My semen retention and suffering through protein supplementation has been successful for my family.  I provided a sample which fertilized 7 of my wife’s eggs.  Of those 7 healthy blastocysts, 4 carry my disease and 3 are healthy and unaffected.  We intend to transfer 1 this year and the 2 others subsequently.  If we are unsuccessful with the 3 healthy embryos, it will be my wife’s choice whether to go through another egg retrieval, implant one of our affected embryos, or resign hope for children.  The entire process has cost in excess of $50,000, but I am satisfied that our family line will continue, hopefully perpetually unaffected by the burden of this disease.  This week my wife will have our first transfer.  To medically support this process, my wife is undergoing an injection of progesterone every morning, estrogen twice per week, and a cocktail of pills every morning and evening.  She has been heroic for us in helping me battle this disease and honor my promise to start a family.  She has suffered a humiliating and uncomfortable ritual of these treatments through an egg retrieval, mock cycle, and now a transfer.  For a woman who is afraid of needles, she has overcome much for us.

This blog will start to resume its original function as a place of reflection on martial preparations and physical/dietary practices that enhance one’s life.  I am nearing peace with my condition and the life course I will need to lead.  And protection will be crucial for my hard won family.

The Final Stretch

At week 12, symptoms have stabilized at what might be called predictably bad.  Day by day breathing problems, exhaustion, and weakness are at 6 out of 10 at worst, and between 2-3 at best.  Thoughts of taking the coward’s way out have slowly subsided while my libido has reached a plateau.

My plan to repeat a semen analysis has proven ill advised since my wife coincidentally ovulates on the exact day I would be due to produce a sample.  The analysis has thus been delayed an additional week.  Now I am forced to wait on the protein diet an additional 2 weeks plus however long it takes for results to be made available.  

I have been living a monastic existence to increase my sperm count for my wife and the analysis.  A good diet, no alcohol, no caffeine, and no masturbation has been the routine.  I am also unable to “edge,” since I have found this practice to reduce my libido as well as testicle size, indicating a loss of sperm within the body cavity.  Consequently, I find myself irritable but determined.  

Weeks will tell whether my fertility has been impacted at all by diet and exercise.

Update: a third semen analysis revealed a 20x increase in sperm volume.  I increased from thousands (~70,000) to millions (~4 million) of sperm per sample.  Though this has not allowed me to regain fertility, which is likely lost for life, I did produce more and made an honorable effort for family.

Worried Now, But I Won't Be Worried Long

 From 6 to 9 weeks through the protein increase, I have had to reduce dosage.  Symptoms progressed to the point of suffocating after lying down for 4-5 hours every night, falling in and out of consciousness, and getting up unrested to go to work.  It was as arduous as sleep deprivation and waterboarding for hours straight followed by forced labor under exhaustion.  It was the worst pain of my life and it occurred to me more than once that death would be an improvement.  Given this extremity, I first reduced daily protein dosage from 88 grams to 66 grams daily on January 3rd, and then to 44 grams daily on January 13th after suffering continued breathing problems for 10 days.  Each reduction in protein corresponded with a feeling of mortal failure.

Now, symptoms have stabilized at an uncomfortable but tolerable middle ground.  They neither worsen nor improve.  Occasionally, I will experience moments of clarity when I feel reasonably comfortable which subside to a default condition of general malaise.  Sex drive has increased and I am creating reliably larger ejaculate volumes day by day.  This seems to indicate a degree of success in reversing my infertility, so I am bound to continue.  However, sexuality has lost all of its spontaneity and its pleasure is little comfort.  On the 13th, I nearly wrote a letter to my family expressing my last wishes in case I did not wake up from sleep.  This was a low enough point that I resolved to reduce the protein volume to 44 grams (half of the initial dose).  This helped enough that I felt deja vu with my old physical state that initially prompted me to start my whole foods plant based diet years ago.  I feel bad enough to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that damage is being done to my body, but I am comfortable enough at times to manage continuing.  Except this time, I am purposefully sticking to the diet that I know is causing the symptoms.  

This has prompted a variety of worries.  I worry for my health, my posterity, and my marriage.  I have also worried for my very life, although less so in the past few 3 days.  However, all worry is a temporary state, and in 3 weeks, I will have completed 12 weeks of the worst symptoms possible  (Keep in mind that I wanted to quit at week 6, again at week 7, and again at week 8).  I will then test my semen again for a definitive answer whether I can reverse my infertility and start my family.  I am confident I will prevail, given steadily recovering sexual function.  In order to safely maintain protein levels, I will be consuming the maximum tolerable dose per day, reducing if needed just to make it 3 more weeks.  Once I have 2 tests completed, one conducted under a low protein diet, and the other conducted after 12 weeks of high protein intake, I will have calculated my potential range of fertility and will be able to decide how to best moderate intake moving forward.  I have entertained the idea of giving one single good quality sample for in vitro and then immediately returning to a low protein diet and a much happier state of infertility.  However, this strikes me as vaguely dishonorable, and I may continue for some time after the 12 week experiment, if only to feel like a normal man for a brief time.